A couple years ago I wrote a post and promised to be authentic AF in my marketing, and to write a blog post a week.
I failed on both counts.
Not that I’ve been inauthentic, per se, but that in my quest to grow my business coaching programs I stopped sharing much related to my personal life.
And I forget that sometimes what we need to grow is inspiration, not more information.
So, while I only offer life coaching in conjunction with my business programs, I’ll be sharing more of my personal growth journey here in the hope of inspiring you to change your life.
Right now, love is on my mind, so let’s start there. 🙂
The last few years I’ve been consumed by career, travel and personal growth.
So I’ve decided 2020 will be the year I focus on LOVE.
Specifically, juicy, passionate, romantic love.
Romantic partnership is the one area of my life that’s been significantly lacking.
You see, I have a pattern of dating unavailable men.
Ever since my first boyfriend.
How do I know this?
I’ve taken inventory.
The first time was in my 20s, when I realized I kept having the same relationship over and over again – and kept getting hurt.
I took a hard look at the patterns and decided to take time off dating.
I was single for years and learned to actually enjoy my own company before I started dating again.
When I did, things got better and I met a great guy.
We started building a life together.
We were great friends and had so much fun together!!
But we were terrible as a couple.
When it ended, I was both devastated and relieved, so I took inventory again.
I felt betrayed and I didn’t want to see my part in it.
I didn’t want to see why it never should have started.
I really wanted to validate my self-righteous anger…
But I did the work anyway, and saw how I’d yet again chosen an unavailable & unsuitable man.
How I’d forced a relationship and ruined a friendship.
How I’d stayed when I was unhappy because I didn’t believe I deserved more, and was afraid to hurt him.
How I’d stayed with him and continued to hurt him until he hurt me more.
Ouch.
When I got sober a couple years later, I did inventory work again with a sponsor.
I got to see just how fucked my mindset still was when it came to men – even after doing this work for years.
This isn’t to say that past partners didn’t do things that hurt me – but that I had to see MY part.
Because that’s all we have control over.
I had to see MY character traits and weaknesses so I could change my behavior.
No trust. No boundaries. No self esteem.
More work.
More self love.
More improvement with every date.
A few years ago I found myself in a whirlwind affair.
With a recent divorcé.
Who told me he didn’t want anything serious.
Couldn’t handle it.
Didn’t want to hurt me.
Ladies, when I man tells you something, listen.
Don’t do what I did, which is say:
“No prob, let’s just have fun.”
Lies.
Lying to him. Lying to myself.
I caught feelings, not flights… And was, naturally, devastated when it ended.
So I started doing more work.
Unearthing more patterns.
And saw clearly my habit of falling in love with men incapable of loving me back.
Sick men. Wounded men. Great men at the wrong damn time. Men who were just not that into me.
Of course I already knew this…
But this time I actually **felt** it.
And I saw for the first time how I’d managed to find a way to repel great men – men who would have made suitable partners.
“OH, you’re great and stable and like me? Hold my beer while I blow this ish up.”
Once I saw the pattern, I knew what to watch for.
How to (mostly) avoid self-sabotage.
And my dating life, though sporadic, has improved even more the last couple years.
While I’ve not had a serious relationship in a while, I’ve had some really great dates and met some seriously amazing men.
Of course I’ve had some bad dates too, like the psychopath I met in Vietnam…
But it hasn’t phased me.
It’s just part of the process.
And the joys of online dating. ?
Which is why I’m loving my friend Heidi B‘s new book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped Fucking Randos and Started Cupcaking My Soulmate.
Funny. Poignant. Cringe-worthy in parts.
Eye opening.
Even though this is at least the 4th time I’ve done work around men and relationships, I’m seeing new things.
Like that I avoid conflict like the plague.
So, in the past, if I didn’t blow up a good relationship spectacularly, I’d just cut them out of my life.
Ghosting.
Not something I’m proud of.
Not something I’m hoping to do again.
So, the work continues.
But I feel good about my ability to change my behavior.
And more importantly, I’m more confident than ever in my ability to create a loving, healthy, romantic relationship – with a worthy gent.
I feel relationship ready.
If you’re tired of settling for crumbs of affection…
If you’re sick of having the same relationship over and over…
If you’re DONE being anything but happy with your relationship status, this is for you.
Grab the book.
Do the work.
Become relationship ready.
{Header Photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash}
